I know everyone goes through it. This year was one of the roughest for me, at least February was. It was extremely cold and I couldn’t get outside much. This combined with stress of everything else going on just piled up. I act like I am fine with where I am in life and that things are good. I tell myself and the people around me that I am happy going back to school and not working for a minute. To be honest, I find it incredibly isolating. Classes are online, I go days without talking to anyone really. It gets in your head after awhile. Most of the time I am active just to keep my mind off of everything else going on. But with the temperatures dropping so low you couldn’t be outside for more than 10 minutes, it left me to my thoughts.
I had days where I was crying by 9am. It felt like no one in the world had a care that I was like this. But to me, why should they. I need to be able to handle myself. But it was a spiral, I felt like I was failing myself and I was the only one who could help myself. So I’d have moments where I would feel OK for a bit, then immediately fall back.
I also felt like one of the few people I was able to talk to wasn’t there any more. They were busy and honestly, the last few times we had spoken or hung out, there were comments said that hurt quite a bit. So I was also taking a break from the one person who would probably notice. Turns out, they didn’t notice.
It’s almost spring and I know things will get better. The anxiety I feel now will start to subside. I also took steps to ensure I’d be more social and force myself out.
Isolation is addicting. The longer we are alone the more we kind of crave it, even if it’s hurting us. It’s tough to break through, but this is usually what keeps me going. Remembering what isolation is and how we start to crave it makes me stop and start to reach out to people. Make plans to go do something different. Meet new people. It’s the realization that if I don’t do it, I’ll spiral down this path on my own.
I have to be strong to break through it all, because in the end, no one else is there to do it for me.
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