At some point in my life I became a serial monogamous. It was never on purpose. I am sure it never is for people. I was the one who didn’t want the relationship to begin with. The biggest problem here, isn’t that I am a serial monogamous. It’s that I let relationships go for way to long. My longest was 12+ years. I knew about a year or so in that it would eventually end. I would always tell myself that I should give it another month, another couple months…after awhile that flips to well maybe I shouldn’t throw away the last 1 year…2 years..3 years. This just added up over time. But why was I doing this?
First, in the 12+ year relationship, it eventually became a non-relationship. We were roommates. We slept in the same bed, but I slept at the furthest edge of the bed possible facing away. Hating every time he entered the room at night. I basically slept on about a space 1 foot wide in that bed. In many ways, I wasn’t in a relationship at all. It was kind of like being single with a roommate. Except I was also the parent here. So again why stay? Why leave? What was out there? I honestly had given up and felt like there was nothing more, so why bother?
Even when I did try to leave, he’d convince me my reasons were wrong. I broke up with him at least every 6 months or so only to take it back. It was tumultuous on both of us. I knew that. I even told him why are we even doing this? It’s not good for either of us. But, I’d be convinced to stay. I never believed he’d change. So again, why was I staying?
The reason I am bringing this up is a video I saw earlier on instagram. It’s posted at the end of this so you can also checck it out. Our brains are addicted to the chemical reactions produced by love. He’s right, our brains trick us into staying. We’re addicts, we crave chemicals produced by all of these emotions – “dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin”. I know I have an addictive personality (more on that in another post). So if we even get glimpses of those feelings and chemical reactions to it followed by periods of neglect, we sit around waiting for that small glimpse of it…telling myself well maybe a couple more months is a perfect example of it.
It wasn’t until I left town on a trip that I realized I could actually be happy. My anxiety and outbursts were virtually gone. Then I came back home and it all came back within 30 minutes…when I realized that I needed to go to the bar with him to have any sort of conversation after being gone for over a week, that was the beginning of the end of that relationship.